You think it's not that bad You think you're not that big You think you can ignore the whispers and jokes from students You think it's all just fine until It's a struggle to get out of the car It's a struggle to dry yourself after a shower It's a struggle to walk down 3 bloody stairs It's a struggle to drag your sorry lard-ass around You imagine people staring at you You imagine laughing at you You imagine people are disgusted by your mere presence You imagine being invisible You try to motivate your self You try to stay positive You try to ignore everything You try not to cry all the time - like you want to You believe that losing weight will liberate you You believe there is only one way forward You believe something has to change or you will die You believe your life is about to turn around You say "this is it" You say "the rest of my life" You say "turning point" You say what you want others to say to you I will overcome I will change I will grow I will LIVE.
Dockside at dusk
November 17 2013
Blue upon
blue upon
blue
Fluidly ebbing
and
flowing
Hints of white bob up and duck under,
playing hide and seek with the setting sunlight.
The breeze tousles my hair
as if trying to weave a mat –
or a blanket to keep my
head warm
I turn to watch a solitary, focussed photographer
training his lens on the passenger ferry
that just
wailed its horn
It sidles out with its red backside
pointing towards us like some
oceanic baboon in heat – aloof as it pauses waiting to turn
and face its destination.
A gaggle of gagging gulls
pick at the back end where
the churning water offers up
dainty morsels for the taking.
We wait
and wait
and wait
aaaaaaand wait as the red bottomed beast bides its time.
With a rumbling frothy groan it gets underway,
full of chattering excited tourist monkeys
on holiday…..
…..and sails into the pale pink sunset.
31.10.2013
Eventually
the only thing
they have in common
is
mutual despair
Flipside (October 2013)
I want, I want,
I WANT, I WANT IT
I WANT IT NOW!
No, no
No, no, no
FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!
Why not? Why not?
Why not?
WHY NOT?
Because, because
Because, because
BECAUSE
I say so
But I need, but I need
But I NEED
But I NEED IT!
No, no,
No,
NO
You don’t
It’s not fair, It’s not fair
It’s not FAIR
IT”S NOT FAIR!
Hmm mmh, hmm mmh
Hmm, mmh
HMMMmmm
(sigh)
Pretty, pretty
Pretty, pretty please
PRETTY PLEEEEASE?
The answer’s still, the answer’s still
The answer’s still
The answer is still
NO
Yeah, whatever
Whatever, whatever
Whatever
WHAT
EVA!
Okay, okay
Okay, okay
Okay.
Are you done?
You, you,
You, you
YOU SUCK!
Whatever
Whatever
Whatever
WHAT
EVA
Everything and Nothing
It starts like it always starts
Smiles, laughter, gentle teasing
Teasing, poking, nudging
niggling until one tiny syllable
out of place starts a
chain reaction that is
unstoppable
unleashing
a whirlwind of exasperated arms
Pushing the chair back
she hurricanes upstairs
and slam!
SLAM!
SLAM!
Three times to make sure we are
in no doubt it is our fault
our bad
our failing to understand or acknowledge
Wanting to STOMP upstairs but
the carpet only yields an impotent
THUD
Tapping at the door
wanting it to be the magic code
to get in
Silence
the door opens
and the resentment the blame the
despair the shame
comes tumbling out
You never
You don’t
I won’t
I hate
I can’t
I’m nothing
My heart opens
and the despair the shame the
frustration the pain floods the room
I always
I do
I will
I love
You can
You’re everything
Her words are cat’s claws catching
around my breast
my words are a vain attempt to
blunt them and salve the wound
Just as the scab hardens
her claws rip it away
revealing the squishy pink softness
opening it up to the grit
and dirt and truth of our life
A hand reaches out and
I take it
of course I do
and take the embrace
the one I never want to end
never want to let go
but I do
and she does
It’s never over
I don’t understand
I won’t give up
I love her
I can’t reach her
I’m nothing
Oblivion
Their love
is like soda without the fizz.
Sweet in its way
but a sickly aftertaste
coats her tongue
They drift
like twigs in a dancing stream
floating along aimlessly
and bumping briefly against one another
for a fleeting instant
Their life
is an ebb and flow of drama
interspersed with sighs
of sorrow and tears of happiness
and silent recriminations
She remembers
the years of burning, searing desire –
of wanting nothing more
than his arms, hair,lips, body, sweat
and night whispers
She knows
she knows the path has no way back
falling away forever
endlessly moving, slow and unstoppable
into the oblivion
of being taken for granted.
all I want to do is let go
Rustling
like a schoolyard whisper.
A rumour of change.
Swirling grit whips playfully into
my goosebumpy shins.
Tugging at the hem
of my skirt
like a teasing adolescent –
forcing me to place a demure
hand against the fabric,
when all I want to do is let go.
Maelstrom
Her twisting hands
Betray the turbulent maelstrom
Inside her head