The Greatest Weight of All

You think
it's not that bad
You think
you're not that big
You think
you can ignore the whispers and jokes from students
You think
it's all just fine until

It's a struggle
to get out of the car
It's a struggle 
to dry yourself after a shower
It's a struggle
to walk down 3 bloody stairs
It's a struggle 
to drag your sorry lard-ass around

You imagine
people staring at you
You imagine
laughing at you
You imagine
people are disgusted by your mere presence
You imagine
being invisible

You try
to motivate your self
You try
to stay positive
You try
to ignore everything
You try
not to cry all the time - like you want to

You believe
that losing weight will liberate you
You believe
there is only one way forward
You believe 
something has to change or you will die
You believe
your life is about to turn around

You say
"this is it"
You say
"the rest of my life"
You say
"turning point"
You say
what you want others to say to you

I will
overcome
I will
change
I will 
grow
I will
LIVE.


Advertisements

Dockside at dusk

November 17 2013

Blue upon

blue upon

blue

Fluidly ebbing

and

flowing

Hints of white bob up and duck under,

playing hide and seek with the setting sunlight.

The breeze tousles my hair

as if trying to weave a mat –

or a blanket to keep my

head warm

I turn to watch a solitary, focussed photographer

training his lens on the passenger ferry

that just

wailed its horn

It sidles out with its red backside

pointing towards us like some

oceanic baboon in heat – aloof as it pauses waiting to turn

and face its destination.

A gaggle of gagging gulls

pick at the back end where

the churning water offers up

dainty morsels for the taking.

We wait

and wait

and wait

aaaaaaand wait as the red bottomed beast bides its time.

With a rumbling frothy groan it gets underway,

full of chattering excited tourist monkeys

on holiday…..

…..and sails into the pale pink sunset.

Flipside (October 2013)

I want, I want,

I WANT, I WANT IT

I WANT IT NOW!

No, no

No, no, no

FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!

Why not? Why not?

Why not?

WHY NOT?

Because, because

Because, because

BECAUSE

I say so

But I need, but I need

But I NEED

But I NEED IT!

No, no, 

No,

NO

You don’t

It’s not fair, It’s not fair

It’s not FAIR

IT”S NOT FAIR!

Hmm mmh, hmm mmh

Hmm, mmh

HMMMmmm

(sigh)

Pretty, pretty

Pretty, pretty please

PRETTY PLEEEEASE?

The answer’s still, the answer’s still

The answer’s still

The answer is still

NO

Yeah, whatever

Whatever, whatever

Whatever

WHAT

EVA!

Okay, okay

Okay, okay

Okay.

Are you done?

You, you,

You, you

YOU SUCK!

Whatever

Whatever

Whatever

WHAT

EVA

 

Everything and Nothing

It starts like it always starts

Smiles, laughter, gentle teasing

Teasing, poking, nudging

niggling until one tiny syllable

out of place starts a

chain reaction that is

unstoppable

unleashing

a whirlwind of exasperated arms

Pushing the chair back

she hurricanes upstairs

and slam!

SLAM!

SLAM!

Three times to make sure we are

in no doubt it is our fault

our bad

our failing to understand or acknowledge

Wanting to STOMP upstairs but

the carpet only yields an impotent

THUD

Tapping at the door

wanting it to be the magic code

to get in

Silence

the door opens

and the resentment the blame the

despair the shame

comes tumbling out

You never

You don’t

I won’t

I hate

I can’t

I’m nothing

My heart opens

and the despair the shame the

frustration the pain floods the room

I always

I do

I will

I love

You can

You’re everything

 

Her words are cat’s claws catching

around my breast

my words are a vain attempt to

blunt them and salve the wound

Just as the scab hardens

her claws rip it away

revealing the squishy pink softness

opening it up to the grit

and dirt and truth of our life

A hand reaches out and

I take it

of course I do

and take the embrace

the one I never want to end

never want to let go

but I do

and she does

 

It’s never over

I don’t understand

I won’t give up

I love her

I can’t reach her

I’m nothing

Oblivion

Their love

is like soda without the fizz.

Sweet in its way

but a sickly aftertaste

coats her tongue

They drift

like twigs in a dancing stream

floating along aimlessly

and bumping briefly against one another

for a fleeting instant

Their life

is an ebb and flow of drama

interspersed with sighs

of sorrow and tears of happiness

and silent recriminations

She remembers

the years of burning, searing desire –

of wanting nothing more

than his arms, hair,lips, body, sweat

and night whispers

She knows

she knows the path has no way back

falling away forever

endlessly moving, slow and unstoppable

into the oblivion

of being taken for granted.